The Problem With The Toilet

I have great distaste for public bathrooms. I try to avoid them wherever possible, but with my small bladder that’s not often possible. As such, I have some requests for whomever is responsible for terrible bathrooms the world over.

Request #1: Make Stalls Bigger. Not long ago, I stepped into a bathroom stall at the mall. It was a tight stall; so tight the door brushed my backside as I closed it behind me – meanwhile I had to move too close to the toilet to shut the door, which made my pant leg touch the toilet’s front edge. Heavy-set folk, with much less room than me, must have to straddle the bowl to avoid this.

Request #2: Provide Two-Ply Tissue. I know they think they’re saving money, but it just makes you USE MORE PAPER. I might as well be wiping with my hand. I grabbed my first squares of toilet paper to prepare the area. I covered the seat with it, one patch on each side to absorb splashage and a bunch of it on the water to reduce backsplash. I hovered. (I don’t sit on public toilets. In fact, I don’t sit on anyone’s toilet but a select few friends’, family’s and my own.) 

Request #3: Choose Deep Toilets. Commodes that are shallow have more incidents of bowl water hitting one’s rear. This does NOT feel like a cleansing shower for your bum, and you never know what’s lingering in that water from previous strangers’ business. 

Request #4: Get Rid of Automatic Flushes. I stood slightly after finishing and proceeded to wipe, at which point the automatic flush whooshed! all my contents into the nether regions of the mall sump. This, before I had the chance to make the paper contribution. Annoyed, I finished wiping and threw the tissue in. I looked around the top of the toilet and leaned over to hit the manual flush button. Before I could stand upright again, the forceful vacuum sucked my paper down, spraying water droplets upwards in its exuberance – AND RIGHT INTO MY FACE. I’M NOT KIDDING.

Most Important Request #5: Ensure Toilets Are Cleaned More Often. At that point, to really drive the nastiness home, I noticed a smear of something dark marking the side of the toilet rim. There are only two possibilities for what that substance was and it’s not necessary to mention them.

Now, I know I’m squeamish about bodily excretions, germs and overall filthiness, but y’all have to agree that I was not overboard in washing my face and spitting repeatedly into the sink, was I?

Come on. What would you have done?


Filed under Places

3 responses to “The Problem With The Toilet

  1. john

    “distaste” ….in this case in a sentence…. distaste awful. solution 1. use ur foot to activate button
    2. hold it till u get home
    3. dont drink so much water befor u go out

    also “hovering” u run the risk of toppling over
    just my opinion and I could be wrong but I dont think so
    ps always put kleenex in ur purse or pocket

  2. Jon

    I would get into a discussion about how many more germs are found on shared keyboards at work than there are in any public bathroom, but that would just be piling on.

    As far as I’m concerned, that’s why they put bushes out in the parking lot at our mall. Problem solved!

  3. Pingback: Attention: Women « Gentle Ranting

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