Monthly Archives: March 2010

Unlike some people, I am often wrong. I say something inappropriate or mean, or factually untrue – and sometimes I get away with it. Mostly, I believe myself to be in the right, for a time. When I’m even a teensy bit wrong, though, things tend to make themselves known and I wish I’d just kept my mouth shut.

It’s always embarrassing when you’re wrong, isn’t it? Say you tell a group of people that einsteinium is DEFINITELY number 54 on the Periodic Table – no doubt about it – and then someone looks it up and it is, in fact, number 99. Even though it is mere trivia and not about to influence anybody in any meaningful way, you feel kind of stupid and you wonder if that group of people will ever believe you on anything ever again. And, shoot, you could have sworn you remembered that very bit of info from high school, so does this mean everything you believe about chemistry is wrong? Is it even called the  Periodic Table, or just a Period Table? It’s so confusing.

It’s bad enough when that happens about incidentals, but it’s even worse when you hurt someone where you believe you were justified. I mean, unless you’re a horrid human being, most of us don’t set out to cause  pain to anyone, least of all those close to us. But when it happens, and we’re called on it, we’re likely to do one of three things:

1) Get defensive

2) Get angry

3) Deny we meant it in that way (when, of course we did, we just didn’t count on that reaction)

I have discovered in the wisdom that comes with my advanced age that it’s always better to either apologize, or admit your mistake, in any situation. Most of us don’t because we don’t want to lose face. But let’s say someone has just corrected you about where einsteinium sits among the elements and you say, “Well, that’s what my teacher told me so she was wrong”, then you’re likely to look like a fool. If you respond with a snappy, “FINE. It’s number 99. WHO CARES?”, you’re going to look like a bigger fool. But if you say, “Well, that makes more sense. I should have known that it was a rare earth metal and not a noble gas! Silly me!” you’ll probably come out of the whole debacle fairly unscathed.

When you hurt someone, however, the approach should be the same, but the sentiment more contrite. For instance, if I make a joke about how grody it is for a person to sit on public toilets and the person I’m talking to looks down at her lap, shamefaced, and mutters that she does it all the time and I shouldn’t judge her, which of course I do – that’s gross – but that’s not the point. I’ve embarrassed her and hurt her feelings, and what do I care how she prefers to do her business? So, instead of being all, “Well, you SHOULD be embarrassed and I’m just saying something that the masses have concluded to be fact and that’s your problem if you’re so deluded that you think doing that is in any way OKAY”, I should stop a moment. I should, instead, go up to said person and tell her that I’m sorry, that it was unfair of me and inappropriate. And be genuine about it.

This isn’t, of course, my natural default and it’s actually really hard if you’re bent on being right. Which we all are, to a degree. But you feel so much better afterwards, you reduce the risk of looking like a jerk, you get more respect and you just become a better person.

Ever wished you’d just checked your ego at the door? Ahem?

You know how teenagers are supposed to be all emotional and fly off the handle at nothing? How they can get manic over one thing and suddenly nothing else matters? How they are so confused about what’s going on in their bodies and minds that they can hardly process it? Do you adults remember being like that?

I think I’ve actually become more emotional as I’ve gotten older, although I am less confused. Good thing, too – I would hope at my age I’d have achieved some insight on things. Perhaps it’s because of that insight that I have a certain amount of patience with teenagers. I’ve read quite a bit on their brain development (or lack of it, as it were) and I understand they literally do not have the capacity of an adult to reason and understand consequences for actions. A while ago, I witnessed a teenager prove that theory.

There is a young lady living a few doors down from us who must be around nineteen years old. She always plays the music in her car at such a great volume that it’s a wonder her eardrums haven’t exploded. One morning at about nine o’clock when I was still sleeping (I work late, okay?), she drove into the driveway and started washing her car, leaving the doors open so she could listen to her music at what must have been concert levels. Six units down and with my windows closed, it was like I had my own stereo playing.

Due to it not being the first time, I decided to go talk to her. Because her back was to me and the music was so loud, I had to actually tap her on the shoulder before she knew I was there. I asked her to turn her music down. I said it was inconsiderate at any time of day to be making that kind of racket. I told her it would be helpful if she would refrain in the future from sharing her music with all citizens in a five-block radius. I expected her to be peeved, like teenagers are.

She totally wasn’t. What she seemed to be was surprised. Surprised that everyone in the neighbourhood and beyond wasn’t absolutely delighted to listen to her tunes. Taken off-guard that I would make an issue of it at all. Disconnected for a moment that my request pertained to something she was doing wrong. It was odd.

I know many adults are similarly self-involved, but it is the navel-gazing tendency of adolescents that perhaps makes them more prone to this behaviour. That is, not realizing how their actions can affect them or others. It’s not that they’re mean, they just don’t immediately consider it. This girl was quite dumbfounded. It had evidently not occurred to her that what she was doing could annoy a nauseated pregnant lady who worked nights, was moody like nobody’s business and who still had an hour to rest before The View was on.

It makes me think that being the parent of a teenager must be very tiring. Parents? Is it true?

If your friend won the lottery, would you be happy for them? I’m not talking about the friend who’s been down on his luck through no fault of his own but has always worked really hard and knows the value of a dollar and has always been good with his money and is generous to a fault and who never has anything bad to say about anyone, ever. I’m talking about the friend who was raised playing hockey and taking violin, whose parents paid for college, who never worked for minimum wage, who always got seventeen presents at Christmas, who got every job he ever applied for, who always complains that the seat warmers in his new Audi are a tad too warm and who never gives to charity. Hmm? Would you be happy for THAT friend?

My family and I were talking about winning the lottery last weekend. I’m sure everyone has had this conversation; what they would do, how much they would give to family and friends, whether they would quit their jobs. But it, and another incident, got me thinking about how generous I am with my well wishes.

The “incident” was that a good thing happened to an acquaintance of mine, and I was happy for her. But I didn’t want what this person got. Does that make a difference? If this girl got something I wanted, would I still be happy for her? How far do my sincerest congratulations extend?

It would be like a situation with me and my husband. Our skills are pretty polarizing: he got a degree in mathematics, I got a degree in French. What if I decided one day that I would go back to school and major in Math? And let’s say I end up discovering I’m really, super good in math and I get all these scholarships and end up doing way better than him overall. Would he delight in my newfound aptitude? He is supposed to, as my life partner, be my biggest cheerleader and triumph in my triumphs…but would he? Or would he secretly harbour a bitter niggling that says, “But, woman, you just DECIDED to do math. You never liked it or worked hard to be good at it. You just TRIED it and now you’re good at that TOO?”

And would I cheer him on if he was able to breeze through a French or English major?

I’d like to think I would, but I’m not sure. It’s like, that’s MY thing. Math is HIS thing. In a way, one of us would lose a little bit of what we each consider our “thing”.

I think it comes down to every person’s deep-seeded belief which says that everyone should only get so much. That if a girl is a great actor she shouldn’t have a great voice. That if a guy is very good-looking he shouldn’t be an ace in school. That if a friend has had an easy life then he shouldn’t win the lottery, too.

I’m telling myself to be happy for anyone in my life who has good things happen to them that I want for myself. Because it’s very likely that if I harbour negative thoughts about someone else’s successes, that negative energy will come back to take a big chomp out of my ass one day.

I saw an article today on the internet that talked about Jessica Simpson. It said that Simpson has declared that she will never do a nude scene because her naked body is only for the eyes of her future husband. The writer went on to lambast J.S. for essentially taking womankind back fifty years and lecturing her on how every woman’s body is her own and doesn’t belong to any man. Now, I wasn’t the only one who saw the disparity in what J.S. said and how the writer responded. Many people commented on how, duh, that wasn’t at all what J.S. said and that if the whole article was based on such an erroneous interpretation then the writer ought to go back and learn how to read.

As an aspiring writer, I am amazed that someone like this has been hired to promote her thoughts on anything. The writer of the article either had to be deliberately misreading Simpson’s quote in order to make it fit her story, or she is stupid. Either way, can that unnamed website pay ME next time they need worthless, misappropriated babbling?

The article made me think of all the times this must happen in the media, and how annoying it must be for everyone who is intentionally mis-quoted or misunderstood. This has happened to me several times, usually by the same person. See, I feel like I am pretty well-spoken. I communicate effectively, I use the right words and I don’t (generally) ramble on and on so as to scramble up my audience and cause confusion. No, I am very direct in my language and when I am trying to get a point across I feel like there is no way anyone could phrase it more effectively, especially after I’ve tried a few times. I choose words with purpose and attempt to gauge the body language of the reciever in order to ensure full comprehension. [You understand, I am breaking this down to micro-level. I don’t scrutinize every phrase I utter and the resulting reception, but I am always thinking, even peripherally, of how best to communicate.]

You know what I think? I think sometimes people have already decided what they believe your opinion is on an issue and, as a result, only hear certain words, or choose to hear something else entirely in order to suit the rebuttal they’re formulating in their mind as you talk. I think often people have an agenda, a point they want to make, and they are going to make that point even if the surrounding conversation has nothing to do with it. Perhaps they do it because no one else will listen to them.

I think that’s what happened with the writer of that article. She may be a misguided feminist who had to have an excuse to promote the idea of women having control of their own bodies, but at the expense of an innocent person. Poor, poor celebrity Simpson. Good thing this time the agenda was so transparent so that she doesn’t have to add this article to the list of crazy unfair things said about her. Say what you want about J.S., but if she didn’t say it, she didn’t say it.

And, you know, I wish there was a blooger who could hear all my conversations with the above-mentioned person and advocate thusly for ME.

We all brag a little bit, don’t we? There isn’t one of us who never boasts of ourselves. I think mostly it’s because there’s something that we don’t feel we get enough credit for and we want everyone to know about it. And most of us aren’t so subtle about it, either. I mean, it’s not like you can disguise bragging as anything but…bragging. Even if you’re REALLY good with words.

There are a few things I would like to brag about but can’t. In fact, when I even flirt on the edges of boasting, I am so acutely aware of what my not-so-subconscious is trying to do that I end up betraying myself by blushing or bumbling my words. And there’s nothing more embarrassing and contradictory than a braggart who’s clearly not so sure of herself.

I have had at least two of these braggarts in the periphery of my life. They’re not bad people, so I wouldn’t want to openly put them down. But, man, were they insufferable sometimes. Both of them were constantly talking about what they’d done or what they were doing in a way that said, “Look at me! See how gifted I am! See how smart! Think highly of me! Consider me important!” Usually, when someone is like this I can get over it pretty quickly, especially if I know he or she is just a good person with an annoying personality trait. Other times, when I’m not in such a generous mood, I find it grating.

I know it’s pretty universal that no one likes a braggart, but in my case I think I find it so tiresome because I wish I could better promote myself. I’ve always been pretty weak in that area, and have even shied away from doing something well in order not to bring attention to myself. Kind of sad, isn’t it? Because I’m actually good at several things.

But I’m trying to do better. I’m trying not to sell myself short, but to advertise my strengths when the situation calls for it. But ONLY when the situation calls for it. I’m all for being proud, but there’s a difference between being proud and being full of yourself. No random shout outs about how awesome I am. Besides, the most confident people are those who don’t have to shout it from the rooftops.

Did you hear that, you two?