My Man Keeps Me Awake

I am one of those people who needs nine hours of sleep. Sure, I can get by on less, but to be productive and not feel like taking naps during the day I am dependant on more. Because I have always been like this, I am distrustful of people who can be fully functionable on a few hours a night.

I’m sitting here now at one-thirty in the morning. I went to bed early – 11 o’clock. Even though I’m bushed, I am still wide awake. Now, being awake two and a half hours after you go to bed is frustrating enough, but when you have a partner whose head no sooner hits the pillow and he’s knocked out, bedtime becomes especially annoying.

I envy my husband’s ability to turn off. I’ve always been facinated by people like that, because I’ve always had this problem and I can’t fathom being any other way. Now, most of the time I am able to forge indifference at his gift while I stew in my own sleep-deprived frustration, but I simply have no grace when he SNORES.

And while I’m on the subject, how is it that snorers can’t hear their own snoring? Every time I have to smack my husband to get the rattle/foghorn to stop, he inevitably turns towards me in his half-haze and complains, “What dij’ ya do that for?” To which I’ll snarkily ask, “What do you think?”, and he’ll reply, “I wasn’t snoring!”, all irritated-like. Then I’ll say, well, I didn’t just hit you for nothing…but there’s no reason to continue the dialogue because he’s only marginally awake and logic doesn’t work in such a semi-conscious state anyway so I’ll just grunt and he’ll turn back and resume his one-man-band, usually just when I think I’ve jolted it out of him.

You have to think that the snoring must be louder in the snorer’s own head, too. Just like when you plug your ears while speaking. Though, I have to say, he does have a point in suspecting me of so mercilessly and deliberately disturbing him. I know this is cruel, but so help me sometimes I try not-so-subtle measures to get him to awaken when I’m laying there into the third hour and I’ve tossed and turned and tried every angle and been to the washroom and drunk some water and I’m thinking he should be suffering with me.

But the joke’s on me because, of course, not only does nothing wake this man up, but when he is roused he can go straight back to la-la-land without a ripple of disturbance on his mind’s radar.

I know I wish for lots of things, but if I only had the proverbial three wishes, being like my husband when it comes to sleep would definitely make the cut.

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