The Problem With The Toilet

I have great distaste for public bathrooms. I try to avoid them wherever possible, but with my small bladder that’s not often possible. As such, I have some requests for whomever is responsible for terrible bathrooms the world over.

Request #1: Make Stalls Bigger. Not long ago, I stepped into a bathroom stall at the mall. It was a tight stall; so tight the door brushed my backside as I closed it behind me – meanwhile I had to move too close to the toilet to shut the door, which made my pant leg touch the toilet’s front edge. Heavy-set folk, with much less room than me, must have to straddle the bowl to avoid this.

Request #2: Provide Two-Ply Tissue. I know they think they’re saving money, but it just makes you USE MORE PAPER. I might as well be wiping with my hand. I grabbed my first squares of toilet paper to prepare the area. I covered the seat with it, one patch on each side to absorb splashage and a bunch of it on the water to reduce backsplash. I hovered. (I don’t sit on public toilets. In fact, I don’t sit on anyone’s toilet but a select few friends’, family’s and my own.) 

Request #3: Choose Deep Toilets. Commodes that are shallow have more incidents of bowl water hitting one’s rear. This does NOT feel like a cleansing shower for your bum, and you never know what’s lingering in that water from previous strangers’ business. 

Request #4: Get Rid of Automatic Flushes. I stood slightly after finishing and proceeded to wipe, at which point the automatic flush whooshed! all my contents into the nether regions of the mall sump. This, before I had the chance to make the paper contribution. Annoyed, I finished wiping and threw the tissue in. I looked around the top of the toilet and leaned over to hit the manual flush button. Before I could stand upright again, the forceful vacuum sucked my paper down, spraying water droplets upwards in its exuberance – AND RIGHT INTO MY FACE. I’M NOT KIDDING.

Most Important Request #5: Ensure Toilets Are Cleaned More Often. At that point, to really drive the nastiness home, I noticed a smear of something dark marking the side of the toilet rim. There are only two possibilities for what that substance was and it’s not necessary to mention them.

Now, I know I’m squeamish about bodily excretions, germs and overall filthiness, but y’all have to agree that I was not overboard in washing my face and spitting repeatedly into the sink, was I?

Come on. What would you have done?